Bellflower,
I've decided already, after my first post, that I should explain the title of my blog and what it means to me. I must say, this is the hardest part about a blog: where to start. So, I might as well jump in head first, haha. Point Five Orphan represents the death of my father and my relation to the life of an orphan. I think losing a parent is absolutely tragic, as would most. However, I think many don't understand how much it really does affect the child (extended family as well but I can only speak on behalf of my personal situation). My dad and I had a horrible relationship. He truly was only a wallet to me. He worked in the oil and gas industry. He was extremely crucial for the finances in my family. My mom worked for fun and for the year before his death, she didn't work at all but only volunteered at a church organization for skaters. It's hard because for the first six months, I didn't feel so effected. Of course it was sad, but he wasn't involved in my life more than $20 on weekends for outings with friends. Everything blew up in my face starting in December 2014. Bad news bears but that's a story for another time.
It was hard for me to realize at first but I finally realized the reason why his death was so tragic for me even though we never had a good relationship: the door of opportunity was slammed in my face. I always longed for a good father figure. I always wanted a dad who was purely in love with me. A piece of me believed that would one day come true. When he died, all hope was lost. I've been comforted by friends and family assuring I can find a new dad in someone else throughout my life. As adventurous and hollywood as that sounds, it is not the same. I wanted the half of my chromosomes to treasure me. At the end of the day, it's okay. It's okay my life isn't hollywood. It's okay that I don't know whether or not I will have a fairy tale ending that works out perfectly.
That's all I have for now. These notes to you might be so confusing, but that's my whole life. Enjoy.
Sunday, April 16, 2017
Mind Blown
Dear Bellflower,
A few nights ago I drove my friend home from church. We sat in my car before he went inside and talked. He gets me. His life is as, if not more, screwed up as mine. As we continued to talk, I became more and more aware of all my issues I have. It stressed me out to realize all the stupid things I do in order to run from my embedded pain. I came to the conclusion that I'm terrified of being alone. This is not something most people would expect from me. I'm so outgoing and weird; I do my own thing constantly. I have had only one serious boyfriend. I decided I need to write. I enjoy it, but I fear being inadequate for readers; therefore, I shall write to you, Bellflower. You are now my precious friend who will comfort my bleeding heart, laugh uncontrollably at my silliness, and partake in everything that lies between.
A piece of me feels as though I should introduce myself. I'm 18 about to graduate high school in May. I have three siblings. None of us truly get along, especially with my brothers. My dad passed away when I was 15, which has caused me a lot of pain and intensive reflection. That's the surface level of who I am. There will be more to learn about me of course, but instead of running into vulnerability I say we let our conversations take their own courses. I cannot wait to see how this evolves.
Fairwell.
P.S. I must say, I can't help but imagine our relationship becoming immensely famous. I hope I find it in me to focus on the present and not the future in order to be authentic and happy.
A few nights ago I drove my friend home from church. We sat in my car before he went inside and talked. He gets me. His life is as, if not more, screwed up as mine. As we continued to talk, I became more and more aware of all my issues I have. It stressed me out to realize all the stupid things I do in order to run from my embedded pain. I came to the conclusion that I'm terrified of being alone. This is not something most people would expect from me. I'm so outgoing and weird; I do my own thing constantly. I have had only one serious boyfriend. I decided I need to write. I enjoy it, but I fear being inadequate for readers; therefore, I shall write to you, Bellflower. You are now my precious friend who will comfort my bleeding heart, laugh uncontrollably at my silliness, and partake in everything that lies between.
A piece of me feels as though I should introduce myself. I'm 18 about to graduate high school in May. I have three siblings. None of us truly get along, especially with my brothers. My dad passed away when I was 15, which has caused me a lot of pain and intensive reflection. That's the surface level of who I am. There will be more to learn about me of course, but instead of running into vulnerability I say we let our conversations take their own courses. I cannot wait to see how this evolves.
Fairwell.
P.S. I must say, I can't help but imagine our relationship becoming immensely famous. I hope I find it in me to focus on the present and not the future in order to be authentic and happy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)